3. I Applied for the Visa Anyway: Why I Stopped Betting My Whole Life on Plan A
Why I applied even when I wasn’t sure, and what I learned about letting go of Plan A.
BELONGING
Choosing myself without running away
I tried my best to stay in my country and get used to it, but over time, in my journey of self-awareness, I learned to listen to myself, to be kinder to myself, and to listen to my gut. Why force myself into something that made me unhappy, that made me feel like I was sinking and losing my shine again? This does not mean avoiding discomfort and running away at the first opportunity. That is one of the things I have been working on and pushing myself to do the most lately. But there is a very thin line between dealing with discomfort and living a miserable life, forcing myself to fit into something that was not good for me. Choosing myself will always be the right and most mature choice for me, even when it is still hard to do.
Why I applied for the visa anyway
To be honest, I think my family problems, the difficulty of adjusting again, the weight of a long-distance relationship, and missing my comfort bubble, with my friends and the life I was used to, made me try to go back. Even knowing the risks of applying for a new visa, and that I would most likely get it denied, given my profile, my current situation, and the new immigration changes, I wanted to try. I missed Australia, I did not hesitate, and I applied.
Six weeks of waiting for one email
It was almost 6 weeks of waiting, checking my email every day, many times a day, turning my notifications on, and even checking at hours when I knew it would be the middle of the night in Australia. Was I being silly, or did I have 1% hope deep down? Actually, hope was dying every week, and, coincidentally or not, more news and changes in immigration laws kept coming out. My algorithm only sent me that: so many sad stories, families separating, dreams being ruined, a feeling of panic for many people who had, or have, Australia as their only option. I was obsessed with people’s stories.
I think we humans tend to focus on the negative, and unfortunately that was consuming me. I always asked myself: “Am I being negative or realistic?” I have no doubt that the more I looked at reality, the more I regretted applying, losing money, and putting myself in a situation of hope and frustration, because I knew I would be denied. But hope is the last to die. Or, as we say in Brazil, Brazilians never give up. And I was always so persistent.
Recalculating the route: living plan B
I decided to recalculate the route and, maybe to protect myself from frustration or more uncertainty, I thought of a plan B. What if I try something different? What if I want to make a different decision? I know nothing compares to Australia (especially leaving my loved ones there), but I have learned that my happiness should not depend on something external. I know I can make it work from another place, even if it means starting everything from scratch.
So I focused on plan B and lived it intensely for the last 2 weeks. It became my hyperfocus and an escape from my own fear of facing a denial. Putting it into words actually sounds very toxic, but it was the best I could do to help myself at that time.
I was brave enough to tell my closest people my plan, without fear of judgment or that other people’s opinions would make me not want to risk something new. I could see the frustration on their faces, or was this only my interpretation? I kept repeating to myself: “I already know plan A will not work out, I am living plan B.” So if plan A works out, amazing, but accepting this and freeing myself from the idea that my life was in the hands of a single possibility is what helped me and truly freed me. If plan A does not work out, okay, I have already accepted it. But is that really true? I kept waiting for the email, with less intensity and anxiety, but deep down I still needed the answer to free myself completely, and maybe this is not even about a visa.
When one opportunity becomes everything
How many times do we catch ourselves in a hyperfocus, putting all our chips on one single opportunity? Be it a relationship, a job, a country, studies... I think this taught me and proved to me, in the best way, that the world is literally so big. I was not even born in Australia. I had a whole life before there. So why is this so important and special? How come that is my only opportunity in life? There are so many chances in life, and frankly, leaving my comfort zone pulled me back from a cliff of fear, insecurity, and lack of belief in myself. Actually, everything changed. Where is my determination and confidence?
Remembering everything I already faced
I have been through much harder situations. I grew up in a “third world country” (that is what they call it), a country where opportunities are way more difficult and unfair, where meritocracy is very questionable, a country where studying over 7 years to get a bachelor’s and a master’s degree did not help me get a decent life. I had already moved to a completely different country, with no English, no experience, only 500 dollars and a dream. I recently lost my grandma. What is a visa compared to everything I already faced and achieved in life? I grew so much in 5 years and I will not let this fear get in my way.
What am I scared of? It took me a while to get an honest answer. When we lose touch with ourselves, there are situations that force us to keep our balance and loyalty to ourselves. And that is what happened to me. Whatever answer came, I comforted myself, remembered the worst and hardest moments, and that in the end everything worked out. What is the worst-case scenario? I genuinely pictured it and knew that no matter what happened, I would figure it out and find a solution. “There is a fix for everything except death,” that is what people say in Brazil, and sometimes we end up being our biggest enemy. For almost everything there is a solution. It does not feel right to suffer so much for this when I know people in way worse situations than mine. A lot of people in my country are still struggling to have the very basics to eat.
The email I already knew was coming
Then finally I received the long-awaited email, suffering from an 11-hour jet lag, still exhausted after 5 flights and trying to get a normal night of sleep. It was the middle of the night when I read something that broke my heart: Visa denied. Deep down I already knew, but it hurt to read it. I could not hold back the tears, and it is okay to cry and feel certain emotions. A movie played in my head.
My partner hugged me and said everything would be okay, but deep down I knew how it would affect our relationship long term. I genuinely hope we can manage it. It was the end of all hopes, the mourning of a country that was never mine. It hurts to know I will not be there for at least the next 3 years, without seeing my friends, my partner’s family who cannot travel, places I became emotionally attached to, and even the things I used to complain about. I repeated many times: “Australia is over for me.” There is no hope in the short term. With the new changes in time and visa cost, I do not see any possibility. I do not want to dispute the decision, which honestly I think is fair, I do not want to think of a plan B for Australia, and I do not want to force something that is out of my control. Letting go is the right thing to do at the moment. It is the kindest thing I can do for myself, no more hopes.
Feeling like I do not belong anywhere
Having a visa denied affects me for other visas, and the most painful part was the reasoning:
“I find that the information provided is not sufficient to satisfy me of your genuine temporary stay intention, and you have not demonstrated you have sufficiently strong commitments in Brazil that would be an incentive for you to return to that country.” - the visa decision letter I received.
This exposed a feeling that has hurt me the most lately: I have no ties to my country and maybe I do not belong anywhere. Honestly, I feel homeless. That is why they think I would not return, I am a “suspicious” profile.
Plan B was already happening
Fortunately, this news came when I had already moved countries and was actually living my plan B. It hurt, but it did not affect my dreams. I am happy where I am and for making the right decision for me. Accepting what we cannot control and believing in ourselves is the key to balance and a happy life.
I recognize my privileges compared to people who are in harder situations than the one I was in, people who are excluded from the rest of the world just based on their passport, and who would find it harder to “recalculate the route” like I did. But even so, I think sometimes we lose opportunities when we consider only one possibility. Again: the world is big, and we have no control over anything. Today I look at other countries that I had not even considered, and I am taking a risk on something new and different from my bubble. It is exciting. Insecurity and fear sometimes show up, but I do not let them take over. I always come back to myself with the certainty that everything will be okay.
Have you ever put all your hopes on a single plan?
This is my personal experience, not immigration advice.
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